Give me that Old Time Religion

A new blog

2009-06-02T19:30:00.001-07:00

I've decided to start a new blog entitled "I come to the Garden."
Its link is here: http://icometothegarden.blogspot.com/

I chose the name because I am somewhat a student of contemplative prayer and because I enjoy being outdoors and feel very close to God in nature and in gardens. So, stay tuned if you choose, to see what develops here. I may even loose the pen name and be me!

Aidan

2009-03-25T17:35:00.000-07:00

Alot of things going on right now. Maybe its because we are in the middle of Lent. Maybe its because I'm in the midst of discernment regarding the call to ordained minstry. I feel like the ground is shifting. I mean, everything on all fronts: home, work, church is going GREAT. Sunday's Taize service was so moving. We sang a beautiful hymn....."Jesus, refuge of the weary" which really touched me...the text is as follows:

Jesus, Refuge of the weary, object of the spirit’s love,
Fountain in life’s desert dreary, Savior from the world above.
O how oft Thine eyes, offended, gaze upon the sinner’s fall;
Yet upon the cross extended, Thou didst bear the pain of all.

Do we pass that cross unheeding, breathing no repentant vow,
Though we see Thee wounded, bleeding, see Thy thorn encircled brow?
Yet Thy sinless death hath brought us life eternal, peace, and rest;
Only what Thy grace hath taught us calms the sinner’s stormy breast.

Jesus, may our hearts be burning with more fervent love for Thee;
May our eyes be ever turning to Thy cross of agony;
Till in glory, parted never from the blessèd Savior’s side,
Graven in our hearts forever,Dwell the cross, the Crucified.

Words: Girolamo Savonarola (1452-1498)
Music: O DU LIEBE MEINER LIEBE, Hernhut, c. 1735

I guess the thought that provoked me was this....does my daily life reflect my concern, knowledge of, receiving of, etc etc etc, Jesus's sacrifice? Or does my life and the attitudes of my mind and heart thumb my nose at God and say that I do not care? I lay awake Monday night and restled with whether or not I even know God or Jesus.....doubting comes and goes.....but I have to remind myself that Martin Luther even struggled against Satans accusations....

All I have is faith in Jesus. Faith that He has washed me, saved me, made me His own child.

Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy

Aidan

A continued blogging hiatus

2009-03-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

Obviously I've not blogged in a LONG time. its been very busy here. School, work, discerning the call to ordained ministry, music....the list goes on. I'm in the process of trying to determine where this blog will go and where I am heading for that matter. So, posts will continue to be sparse unless the Spirit moves otherwise.

Aidan.

Our hearts are restless until...

2008-12-05T10:18:00.001-08:00

Today I met with one of the priests at my church to talk about the "call" to ministry that I have been struggling with. This "call" has been a persistent nagging since I first became a Christ-Follower. It's cyclicle, sometimes its very intense, sometimes it fades into the backround and beckons from afar. At this point in my journey, its right up behind me tapping me on the shoulder and whispering into my ear. I can't get away from this. Today's talk with Mother (yes, I have a female priest) was a good thing. She knows more about me than any other priest there at Trinity. She knows I am gay and partnered and is very supportive. The first thing out of her mouth was that I would be prohibited from being considered as a candidate for Holy Orders in this diocese because I am partnered and because we are living together and are not "married." Of course, I think it is ironic that the marriage thing poses a problem since there are so many that are shitting a brick because we want to get married (all gays that is, not just me and HTB.) At any rate, we talked about alot of possible options such as moving to a more welcoming diocese and the possibility of the diaconate. It seems like all of the personal question concerning who I love and where I put my pee pee are not asked of those seeking to become deacons in the Church of God.

I've got alot to discern and sift through. HTB and I both do, as this will affect us both. I must admit, the thought of the diaconate is appealing to me. At the behest of good friend Beartoast, I have read through the section of the Book of Common Prayer that covers the ordination of deacons......its a moving bit of writing and it resonates with me. Part of me sees that the work of a deacon fits nicely with the work I will be doing should I pursue a career in nursing. I'm excited and scared. I'm uneasy and grouchy as hell. I don't understand whats going on truthfully, but then again, maybe I do. Psalm 139:5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Maybe this is why. Or as St. Augustine said, and I paraphrase, "Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you."

Aidan

Don't forget to write....or something like that.

2008-12-01T06:59:00.000-08:00

Since my last post much has transpired. Sorry for not writing sooner. HTB and I are finally sharing the same house. Its been a less than smooth ride, but then again; anytime two lives merge into one there is bound to be some degree of friction, especially when two bearish men are sharing a very small, 1940's bungalow style house with our "children." Oh, and did I mention that we are renovating said bungalow? Oh and did I share that most of the furniture is not where it should be, oh and that there is dust and dirt everywhere? And that I/we are sort of living out of boxes? As expected, this anal retentive, neat freak bear cub is freaking out that there is no order! Who moved my cheese?!?! But in all seriousness, apart from this and trying to get our intimacy clocks in sync with each other, all is well...we love each other and seem to be committed to making the journey for the long haul.

I'm now also working for a community of faith here in the midlands of SC as the organist & music director. It is a special place. It is the first place that I have ever felt called to. The Spirit that is there is strong. I am being refreshed and nourished even as I "work." The Holy Spirit has once again begun dealing with me regarding the call to ordained ministry. This has been a struggle for me throughout all of my Christian walk...since coming to faith and baptism. I need discernment...to make sure its God and not me and my flesh trying to do something and slap a God label on it. So please pray for me and for HTB as we, yes we wait and discern.

I'm also working part time in the retail sector as seasonal help (which might work into something permenant after teh first of the year) and working for a local pipe organ maintenance company helping with tuning organs around the area. So, you can see that I am keeping occupied. Ah, and there is school starting in January. How could I forget that. I am thinking too, about loosing the anonymous nature of this blog and coming out as it were but am still testing the waters with work, etc to see what the lay of the land is. More to pray about.

On a final note. As we are in Advent, the season of waiting in silence and contemplation I'm posting this link from the Episcopal Cafe with artwork from Sr. Clair Joy, a member of the Community of the Holy Spirit. Enjoy!

http://www.episcopalcafe.com/art/art/advent_i_1.html

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

2008-10-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

Thought that it would be a good idea to let the few readers here know that I'm still very much alive and well. Alot has transpired since July when I made my last post. I'm in the midst of some very good transitions. A brief synopsis of them: have begun making the move to live with HTB in his home town, which also is where my wonderful home parish is, have interviewed, accepted and am ironing out the final details of a new job in the same city and have enrolled back in college to start in January in said city as well. A good friend in Texas commented to me Thursday evening that I was entering a new season. I'll go along with that! I hope to post again sooner that later. Until then, ya'll have a wonderfully sacred and peaceful weekend.

Pax,

Aidan

The Garden of the Soul

2008-07-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

Just random thoughts today. I've picked up again my copy of An Invitation to Love by Thomas Keating. The plan this time is to read it in its entirerity. Why, you may ask, or maybe you don't care, I don't know but here goes. Right now, I'm feeling the intense need to work on internal issues in order to improve my ability to be in healthy, life giving relationships. HTB ( Hubby to be) and I are doing well in our growing closer and getting to know each other. I am realizing some patterns in me that are beginning to surface again and that need to be dealt with. In the past, these have cropped up and I swept them back into the dark recesses of my pshyche and did not deal with them.....to the detriment of my interpersonal relationships, I might add.

This time, I am saying NO to the desire to avoid and dismiss them. Is it painful? Hell Yes. Is it hard to look some of this square in the face? Hell Yes, again! But I have to do this or risk loosing the man I love. Programming note here: I am doing this for me and for my relationship with HTB as well as all other interpersonal relationships.

So as I stated at the beginning, I started reading Invitation to Love again today. So much of what Fr. Keating has said so far, echoes things that my therapist has told me/worked with me. I laugh because, its cheaper to read this book than it is to sit for an hour session with a therapist. When funds permit it, I plan to go back, but right now my therapist is the Holy Spirit speaking through Thomas Keating. What stood out for me today was the mention of prerational emotional programs. Emotional programs that came into being in our infancy and early childhood. Sometimes, the emotional programs are good, if you were raised in a healthy, life giving environment; but if you were not, then chances are the emotional programs that were developed were not good ones.

What I walked away from today after reading the first two chapters is this: The soul is a garden. God/Jesus is the Master Gardener. Emotional programs are like plants, some have large, intertwined root systems that make it difficult to"weed" the garden if you will. These "plantings" require much work (therapy, prayer, meditation and time) in order to extract them from the ground of our soul garden leaving no residual root particles that could cause the "unhealthy plant" to return again. These unhealthy emotional plantings if you will need to be rooted up and out of our garden. I'm reminded of Matthew 15:13 that talks about "every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted." Can I take it literally? I don't know if it is liturgically or theologically correct to do so, but it gives me great hope that emotional programs that developed in me during my infancy and early childhood that are detrimental to me and others, are not the will or desire of a loving God. All I know that is today, I have renewed hope that my God wants me to live, move and have my being in healthy, life giving relationships.

I passed!

2008-07-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the news is a little late but, Thanks be to God I passed my board exam last week on July 10th!! Now its just a matter of getting my license in the mail and I can start work. Thanks to all of you for your prayers and support. I'll be back to making semi regular posts here. I've got a feeling that today I will make at least several on different topics, so we shall see.

Aidan

Summertime and the living is easy.......

2008-06-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

Or so they say. Have not written much since coming back from retreat. So a little catch up is in order. Flew out on June 6th to spend six wonderful days in Maine, "the way life should be." Had a great time doing absoultely nothing. Spent time talking about God things and my future husband with my gracious host. Had the joy of singing in the choir Sunday and playing the postlude at the close of service. Tuesday, June 10 ( my birthday) we went to the celebration of new ministry of a friend of mine in southern New Hampshire. Had the great honor to hear Bishop Gene Robinson preach and celebrate. Yours truly was able to get several pictures taken with him! He was fabulous. He told me jokingly that I was almost certainly assurred of sainthood because I am a gay christian in SC. Oh if it were that easy. Over the course of the week I had lunch and dinner with some old friends, one of which was one of the first women priests to be ordained in the ECUSA (the Philadelphia Eleven.) Returned to SC on Thursday and drove to the hubby to be's and spent the night. Saturday we drove to WNC and spent the day with another wondeful friend. Sunday was spent at Biltmore House and Pisgah National Forest. It was a good time for HTB (hubby to be) and me. We engaged in very productive conversation about the direction we are headed in. Its all good and God is blessing. Now the next few weeks are full of preparations for the major national licensure exams I have coming up SOON. Remember me in your prayers.

Have a great week......
"Aidan"

Down from the mountain.

2008-05-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

My retreat went well last week. Had five days of silence, reading, prayer and spiritual direction. One of the very first things impressed upon me after arriving was the need to honor God with my body. To get back to the daily exercise and good eating habits that I had embraced when I joined Weight Watchers two years ago. In keeping with honoring God with my body, I scheduled and had my first appointment with a trainer at my local gym. I was bummed when I stepped on the scale and it showed that I have gained all but twenty pounds back of the 60+ that I lost on Weight Watchers. I know its all about choices and I am back on the road to making right choices concerning my eating habits and exercise.

The other significant occurrence during my time away was that I came out to my spiritual director. He was totally accepting and affirming of who I am as a creation of God and assured me that I am not the only gay christian to frequent this particular retreat center. It was freeing and emotional for me. We spent some time over those days dialoging about how intertwined our sexuality and our spirituality is. I left with the understanding that I have much work to do in understanding just how it all fits together, after all, God wants us to be fully integrated with our being so we can be fully the persons that He has created us to be.

I returned home Thursday and my boyfriend arrived Friday night and stayed through till Monday morning. We had a great time. Spent the day Saturday wandering Charleston and going to the Harbor Festival. Saturday after church, we spent the day on Folly Beach and then dinner downtown. I'm really enjoying getting to know my "friend." I'm glad too, that we are taking it nice and slow.

Have lots to still do as I will be sitting for the national board exams in my chosen field sometime in the next four weeks. More study and probably more margarita's with friends as we crack the books again.

For those of you that I know read this blog, thank you for your love and support. And Beartoast, your my BESTEST bud in the whole world. I love you, bud.

"Aidan"

I'm still here

2008-05-07T07:21:00.001-07:00

and since it has been so long since I posted, I figured that I should write something so the few friends who read this blog will know that I am still very much alive.

I can't believe its only been about three weeks since I graduated and I am going stir crazy trying to find things to occupy my time. Of course there are numerous distractions that one could occupy ones time with but I am really trying to fill my time with things that are "thruthful, of good report, excellent" to just name a few from St. Paul's admonition in Phillipians 4:8. I wish I could say that I have done that, but more often than not I have found myself controlled by my base natures seeking of pleasure. Its been relegated to just time alone with me, but afterwards, the haunting feeling of 'you know you could have put that time to better use" creeps upon me to condemn. I know that there is no condemnation for those of us in Christ, but I do need to find some strike of balance in all of this.

The long awaited retreat is finally here and I will leave Sunday after church to travel to southeast Georgia to be on retreat through Thursday, then spend a day with the family of origin and then back to SC. I have a sneaking suspicion that my time there on retreat will be one in which the Lord picks up right where He left off the LAST time I was there ( and left early because I thought that God was finished with my time there AND because my base nature insisted on its way.) I've joked with some friends that in my minds eye, I can see myself pulling up the retreat house to be greeted by Jesus, iced tea in hand saying "Come on in and get settled, I'll be out here on the porch waiting on you so we can pick right up where we left of the last time you were here." Hope that does not sound sacrilegious, its just how I am feeling. Its all a good thing.

Another good thing is that I have met a very nice gentleman suitor. He lives in a larger city not too terribly far from me. We have begun dating and exploring what possibilities lie ahead. We both want to take very slow, deliberate steps. And so we will. I'm thankful that we are getting to know each other.

I will write more once I return from retreat. I promise.

Peace,
Aidan

It is finished........

2008-04-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

and I feel like a mass should be offered in honor of it! Today I took and passed, with an "A", I might add, my last final. I am officially out of school and will have graduation ceremonies next Friday!!! To say that it has been an intense 6 months is an understatement. Balancing school, love, music and sanity have not been easy but I am hoping that at some point in the next four to six weeks, I am going on silent retreat. I need it. Tonight looks like it will be a restful one, but the weekend I hope, yeilds some much needed fun and relaxation in the sun. Have a party to attend Saturday. Looking forward to it and hopefully I will meet some new, friendly, faces.

A quick post

2008-04-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

Finally have time to take a breath and make a quick post. In the throws of the last week of school and finals right now. Won't be able to resume regular posts until next week at some point.

Remember me in your prayers........

Aidan

Alleluia, Christ is risen

2008-03-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

The collect for Easter Day,

O God, who for our redemption didst give thine only-begotten Son to the death of the cross, and by his glorious resurrection hast delivered us from the power of our enemy: Grant us so to die daily to sin, that we may evermore live with him in the joy of his resurrection; through the same, thy Son Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen

.....and a couple of very fitting verses from one of my favorite hymns:

He is risen, He is risen! Tell it out with joyful voice: he hath burst his three day's prison; let the whole wide earth rejoice: death is conquered, we are free, Christ has one the victory.

He is risen, he is risen! He hath opened heaven's gate: we are free from sin's dark prison, risen to a holier state; and a brighter Easter beam on our longing eyes shall stream.

hymn 180, The Hymnal 1982

Aidan

The pain and the journey continues

2008-03-12T13:20:00.001-07:00

I am about on overload at this point. I arrived home yesterday to find an email from my former beloved. Answering it opened up a volley of hostile fire between the two of us. I ended up crying my heart out and wondering how in the world could two people who were so in love, in a matter of weeks, shread each other with words like daggers. I know that it is over for us. There is no going back. I do want to be his friend if at all possible, but I know that to go from romantic involvement to platonic friendship is usually not possible. I've written him asking for forgiveness for the hurtful things that I said. Its not like me. I did not want it to end THIS way. God is faithful. Quite unexpectedly a fellow brother in the Way has crossed my path. We are quite drawn to each other, and in the midst of my pain I am finding comfort and solace in this new friendship. For this, I bless the Lord.

This week, however has been very hard. I have my first final exam tomorrow. I've had little time prior to today to study other than the comprehensive review that we did in class. Yesterday the bloodletting with my former BF. Tonight I have a musical obligation which will cut into my study time. I feel so frayed. I am feeling very lonely and exiled here. Actually, I am feeling very alone. Surrounded by people at school and in various religious circles that I am trying to float in, still feeling very alone. I don't think I fit anywhere I go right now. Its like no one understands where I am or what I am going through. I realize that I am probably wrong - maybe they do but they are so overwhelmed with their own life issues that they can't help.

I've been admonished by a very dear friend to "go up on the mountain" during these final days of Lent and through Holy Week. The admonishment is to do what I have to do: school, work, study, house chores, but any free time I have - go to the mountain. Get centered again. I gave up so much trying to make the relationship with the ex work. Alot of major, important stuff got put on the back burner so to speak; not the least of which was my journey with God. I even considered packing up the Prayer Book, my icons, and the like because he did not like it. I even gave serious thought to leaving the Episcopal Church to find something more to his suiting. I am glad that I did not.

When I was living in Maine several years ago, the priest of my partner at the time had signs printed and posted around the church that read "Slow Down, Pray, It's Lent." I wonder if its too late, today, for me to slow down and pray and get re-centered? The old adage "Better late than never" comes to mind.

I know that God is full of mercy and compassion, slow to anger...." but its me that has a hard time forgiving myself.

So I am off to the mountain.

Aidan

An update......

2008-03-07T14:36:00.000-08:00

for those who have been following this blog and praying for me and my beloved. This past Sunday, I decided that it was best for us to be just friends. Over the last month or so, things have surfaced that called into question the fidelity factor in this relationship. Not on my part, but on his. We both have very strong convictions about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in a monogamous relationship. These convictions, were in direct opposition to each other. Its plainly clear that we just don't want the same thing. I'm not mad at him, nor do I wish him ill. I'm just glad that it did not take longer that six months to figure this out. Thank God for dating and getting to know someone FIRST.

I am too old to settle for less that what I believe is my God given desire: to be in a loving, healthy, stable, Christ-centered, mutually encouraging, monogamous relationship with another man. I know that he is out there. Maybe not here in SC, but I know that he is out there somewhere.

Thank you for the prayers.
Aidan

2008-03-04T12:47:00.000-08:00

Feeling somewhat better now. Still not completely well, but progressing none the less. Thought I would try to catch up on posting here. Firstly, the Choral Evensong was beautiful. I lost it when +Katharine passed by my pew in the procession. Of course, the remainder of the clergy in procession with her looked as though they were less than enthused to be there. Its been reported on the SC Episcopalians webiste that the Presiding Bishop was even advised before she arrived that she did not have to vest since she was not participating in the service. The link to that can be found here: http://www.dioceseofsc.com/Home_Page.php Also at the same link you can read about how the Rev. Steve Wood of St. Andrew's Episcopal in Mt. Pleasant made a complete horses a** out of himself in front of the PB and all the guest clergy on that Monday, Feb. 25. On a cheerful note, the youth choir of St. Philip's was really good. They sang evensong beautifully. Afterwards, following the service, there was a reception for the PB in St. Philip's Parish House. Yours truly was able to meet her, engage in a brief conversation with her and have my photo taken with her, too. It was such an emotional experience for me. As I was introduced to her, she took my hand. I lost it! Here I am, big ole boy, standing in front of the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church crying like a baby. I told her how grateful I was that God had elevated her to the position she now held and that through hearing her speak today, she had given me hope to remain an Episcopalian in the Diocese of SC. Her words to me we simple but profound...."Keep the faith" she said. Keep the faith. What does that entail? I would imagine that it means, seeking to serve Christ in all persons, just as the Prayer Book instructs us to do. Serve Christ in ALL persons, even those who do not agree that "we" are viable channels of God's mercy and grace. I know that I have a ways to go. I have good days when I practice this and some not so good days when I would rather turn and walk away. Thankfully God is merciful.

Later

A Slow Recovery

2008-02-29T16:56:00.001-08:00

Sorry that I have not had much to say since my last post. I had intended to follow up on Bishop Katharine's visit to the Holy City but came down with a nasty flu like bug on Tuesday and have been inactive since then. Today I ventured out of the house for the first time since Tuesday to make it to the doctors for antibiotics and stuff. If I continue to feel better, hopefully I will be able to post a full update or something similar to that on Sunday. Alot is going on.

Peace

Presiding Bishop in Charleston today

2008-02-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to say that I was blessed to be at the Choral Evensong on the occasion of the visit of the Presiding Bishop, The Right Reverend Katharine Jefferts Schori today in Charleston at St. Philip's Church. I'll write more later but all I can say is Thanks be to God!

Lord in your mercy, hear our prayer.......

2008-02-20T19:13:00.000-08:00

Its been a rough few days. Time spent with beloved did not go well over the weekend. We have been dating for six months and are still getting to know each other. Some things surfaced that caused some tense conversation....it has been very difficult. I've cried alot, prayed alot. Its nothing short of a miracle that I have been able to focus at school these last few days. There are times that I really feel that we are on two different pages concerning all of this. We both love each other, and both are hurting. Where do we go from here? Maybe for now I need to just let it alone.....and leave it in God's hands. Things get messed up when we try to fix stuff on our own. If you happen to read this please pray for us, for clarity, discernment and direction.....and for the grace to trust God that He will help us deal with whatever the outcome is.

Thanks.

Casting your care...slow down and pray

2008-02-15T15:23:00.000-08:00

Its been busy this week. Exams, a project, and more exams. Its Friday, thank God and I am home....just out of a long, hot shower and trying to wind down and relax. Alot is going on. Its Lent. So many friends who are in need, so much to pray about. I am so thankful that God loves us ALL and is very interested and concerned about every area of our life. I'm convinced that there is nothing that we can't bring to Him. Seems like I remember a verse that goes like this, Cast all your care on Him for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

This weekend hopefully will be a restful one. Have my Weight Watchers meeting in the morning, then a meeting with another musician, then hopefully my 4.6 mile walk. The rest of the day I hope to spend reading and meditating. I need to get centered - really centered. Sunday, Lord willing I will be able to spend with my beloved. I am blessed to have him in my life.

This is all for now. Time for some blessed down time. Slow down, pray.....its Lent.

Pax

Blogger links, being banished and letting go

2008-01-31T15:13:00.000-08:00

Trying to figure out how to add links to various other blogs that I read. Not having much success in doing so. Hopefuly the Blogger Help Desk will be to the rescue soon. Class was very uneventful today. Reveiw for my final mid term exam.....oh joy, rapture! I took time this morning after arriving at school, to sort of have a "quiet time" with God to center myself before the school day began. I read what I thought was the reading today from the Upper Room daily devotional, when actually it was the one for yesterday......can ya tell I need centering? Anyway, the verses were taken from Psalm 137:1-4 ( By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down and wept remembering Zion......it goes on to talk about hanging up their harps, being banished. Banished. This was the topic of the devotional for Jan. 30th. But what really got my attention was the thought for the day which reads: What feels like the end of something good may actually be the start of something BETTER. Up until now, I had never, ever thought of something ending that way. I mean, we all lament when something good, joy giving, life giving ends, but have we ever looked at it as perhaps a beginning of something better? I know that I have really hurt and mourned loosing a job, a friendship that I thought I could not live without, or even a person I thought I could not live without only to find that something better was just over the horizon. I mean, when you think about it, that is what death is like for those of us who name the Name of Christ, isn't it? Something good ends to open the door to something infinitely better that what we could have ever had or experienced here.

I know that alot of times, I tend to want to hold on for dear life to things that possibly are not the best for me...emotionally, physically, spiritually. God, help me to get to the place to let it go for you and for me.

My First Post

2008-01-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

Well this is my first attempt at blogging! Hopefully it will be an good thing! More to come later.