Our hearts are restless until...

Today I met with one of the priests at my church to talk about the "call" to ministry that I have been struggling with. This "call" has been a persistent nagging since I first became a Christ-Follower. It's cyclicle, sometimes its very intense, sometimes it fades into the backround and beckons from afar. At this point in my journey, its right up behind me tapping me on the shoulder and whispering into my ear. I can't get away from this. Today's talk with Mother (yes, I have a female priest) was a good thing. She knows more about me than any other priest there at Trinity. She knows I am gay and partnered and is very supportive. The first thing out of her mouth was that I would be prohibited from being considered as a candidate for Holy Orders in this diocese because I am partnered and because we are living together and are not "married." Of course, I think it is ironic that the marriage thing poses a problem since there are so many that are shitting a brick because we want to get married (all gays that is, not just me and HTB.) At any rate, we talked about alot of possible options such as moving to a more welcoming diocese and the possibility of the diaconate. It seems like all of the personal question concerning who I love and where I put my pee pee are not asked of those seeking to become deacons in the Church of God.

I've got alot to discern and sift through. HTB and I both do, as this will affect us both. I must admit, the thought of the diaconate is appealing to me. At the behest of good friend Beartoast, I have read through the section of the Book of Common Prayer that covers the ordination of deacons......its a moving bit of writing and it resonates with me. Part of me sees that the work of a deacon fits nicely with the work I will be doing should I pursue a career in nursing. I'm excited and scared. I'm uneasy and grouchy as hell. I don't understand whats going on truthfully, but then again, maybe I do. Psalm 139:5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Maybe this is why. Or as St. Augustine said, and I paraphrase, "Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you."

Aidan