The pain and the journey continues

I am about on overload at this point. I arrived home yesterday to find an email from my former beloved. Answering it opened up a volley of hostile fire between the two of us. I ended up crying my heart out and wondering how in the world could two people who were so in love, in a matter of weeks, shread each other with words like daggers. I know that it is over for us. There is no going back. I do want to be his friend if at all possible, but I know that to go from romantic involvement to platonic friendship is usually not possible. I've written him asking for forgiveness for the hurtful things that I said. Its not like me. I did not want it to end THIS way. God is faithful. Quite unexpectedly a fellow brother in the Way has crossed my path. We are quite drawn to each other, and in the midst of my pain I am finding comfort and solace in this new friendship. For this, I bless the Lord.

This week, however has been very hard. I have my first final exam tomorrow. I've had little time prior to today to study other than the comprehensive review that we did in class. Yesterday the bloodletting with my former BF. Tonight I have a musical obligation which will cut into my study time. I feel so frayed. I am feeling very lonely and exiled here. Actually, I am feeling very alone. Surrounded by people at school and in various religious circles that I am trying to float in, still feeling very alone. I don't think I fit anywhere I go right now. Its like no one understands where I am or what I am going through. I realize that I am probably wrong - maybe they do but they are so overwhelmed with their own life issues that they can't help.

I've been admonished by a very dear friend to "go up on the mountain" during these final days of Lent and through Holy Week. The admonishment is to do what I have to do: school, work, study, house chores, but any free time I have - go to the mountain. Get centered again. I gave up so much trying to make the relationship with the ex work. Alot of major, important stuff got put on the back burner so to speak; not the least of which was my journey with God. I even considered packing up the Prayer Book, my icons, and the like because he did not like it. I even gave serious thought to leaving the Episcopal Church to find something more to his suiting. I am glad that I did not.

When I was living in Maine several years ago, the priest of my partner at the time had signs printed and posted around the church that read "Slow Down, Pray, It's Lent." I wonder if its too late, today, for me to slow down and pray and get re-centered? The old adage "Better late than never" comes to mind.

I know that God is full of mercy and compassion, slow to anger...." but its me that has a hard time forgiving myself.

So I am off to the mountain.

Aidan